How Do You Defeat a Man Who Cannot be Defeated?
by zeta-tauri
Summary: Megamind's tried to kill Metro Man over 650 times. These are just the highlights.


AN: Just a little something to kill the time between chapters of my Loki series. It's not so much a chaptered fic as it is just a collection of loosely-related fics, but I don't want to accidentally wind up with eighty tiny little ficlets cluttering up my works page. I've actually no idea how many of these I'll do; I guess I'll just go until I run out of bad puns and dumb ideas.

* * *

He was so predictable; it almost wasn't even a challenge anymore. Metro Man crashed through the roof, landing almost at the exact centre of the giant X painted on the stage. It had taken months to scout the location, but the old theatre was perfect. High ceiling, no windows, and only minor tweaks to the existing surround-sound required. Well, maybe slightly more than minor. The amps and speakers that were stacked around every square inch of the walls had taken a considerable amount of time to acquire and arrange, but were all wired through the theatre's existing system.

Megamind stood on a catwalk above the house, cackling with exaggerated delight.

"You've fallen right into my trap, Metro Man," he teased, arms outstretched. "Just like a mouse at the first whiff of cheese!"

Metro Man pointed up at him, both with his hand and his chiselled jaw. "But a mouse will turn up its nose at cheese that's gone mouldy with evil!"

Megamind began pulling off his gloves, tossing them one at a time to a nearby brainbot. "Not if you mask it with the tempting aroma of peanut butter!"

"Three out of four orthodontists recommend avoiding peanut butter!" Metro Man volleyed back.

"All the more reason to use it for evil!" Megamind said. A brainbot zipped up close to him, holding a second pair of gloves. Megamind snatched them from its jaws and pulled them on. They were identical in every way to his previous pair, except they were fingerless. He flexed his hands around the leather and stretched his fingers as menacingly as he could manage.

Metro Man stepped forward toward the proscenium, posing for no-one at all. "If evil had any reason, it would turn its strengths to justice."

"But justice is easily corrupted by evil," Megamind shouted down.

Another brainbot handed him two small, orange pieces of foam, which Megamind stuffed into his ears.

"That may be, but evil is always brought to justice in the end!" Metro Man said.

Megamind's glee quickly faded, replaced by confusion. He pulled out one of his earplugs and leaned forward. "Wait, what was that? I didn't catch it."

Metro Man just stared up at him, already bored. Megamind rolled his eyes and shook his head, replacing the earplug as one more brainbot swept over to him, holding a gloss-black electric guitar, adorned with gratuitous spikes and fins.

"Do you like it?" Megamind called down as he adjusted the strap around the spikes on his mantle. "I ordered it special, just for this little meeting of ours. I was almost afraid it wouldn't arrive on time."

"Where's Roxie?" Metro Man demanded, taking another step closer to the edge of the stage.

Megamind didn't hear him, nor did he care about whatever it was Metro Man said.

"Have you ever seen glass shatter in the presence of a certain pitch?" he called down. "It's quite easy to do. You just have to find the resonant frequency. And, well. I've been doing some research lately."

"Whatever you're planning, Megamind, it won't work!" Metro Man threatened.

Megamind ignored him, mostly because he still couldn't hear him. Instead, he turned back to the technician's booth and pointed upward. "Minion! Hit it!" he called out.

He knew he should have been in there with Minion, but he wanted to see the results of his scheme up close and personally. The speakers and amplifiers had all been arranged in a way that his perch on the catwalk was out of the way acoustically, but that only meant he wouldn't get the full effect; unlike Metro Man, who still stood right at the centre of the mayhem. Just thinking about it, Megamind could hardly contain the eager grin that spread over his face as the thrum of the three-hundred amplifiers arranged in just the right configuration hummed to life as Minion turned on the main power.

"It's time to turn this up to eleven… thousand!" Megamind shouted.

He struck a low chord, letting it sustain as long as possible. The entire theatre seemed to vibrate, but Metro Man still stood unimpressed below. Crooking a smug grin, Megamind began to play in earnest, hammering out an ever-climbing succession, hitting every note he could as he worked his fingers lightning-quick up the neck of his latest weapon of terror. Below him, Metro Man covered his ears and stumbled, and Megamind knew he had finally bested this walking, cap-wearing ego. He was mostly experimenting, changing key and pressing his arm against the whammy bar almost at random, but it was working. He quickly flipped the overdrive switch, distorting everything to something that sounded like millions upon millions of angry hornets. Metro Man reached out and stumbled, his words drowned out by the noise that bombarded his every molecule.

It took everything Megamind had not to succumb himself, but knowing that he was so close to victory kept him going. Everything hurt, but everything was glorious, and he could almost taste Metro Man's inevitable defeat. He kicked at the distortion pedal by his feet, and that was the moment everything stopped going as planned. Every circuit in the theatre overloaded, blowing out lights and amplifiers alike with a shower of sparks and a deafening _THWUMP!_ The explosion rocked the catwalk, throwing Megamind off his balance and over the edge. The cord from his guitar tangled around his ankles as he fell, catching him just before he fell to a row of seats below, though the sudden stop was still enough to pop what felt like every joint in his body.

When he opened his eyes, the first thing he saw was Metro Man's hulking, upside-down face, sneering smugly. Of course.

"And once again, the sweet song of justice prevails," Metro Man declared.

Megamind frowned and pulled out his earplugs, tossing them aside.

"What?" he asked.

"Your set's over, Megamind, and no-one's asking for an encore."

"What?" Megamind repeated. "No, really, you'll have to speak up. I can't hear you."

Metro Man rolled his eyes and pulled Megamind down by his mantle, jerking him free from the cord round his ankles before flying him through the hole in the ceiling.


End file.
